Hear, Understand, Connect: A Parent's Guide to Teen Communication

Author

Sasha Baldeosingh, MSc. Mental Health Therapist at Lifelong Living Counselling Services

"Yes...No...Fine...Normal..."
Do any of these responses sound familiar when you're trying to have a conversation with your teen? One of the most crucial tools you can hold in your toolbox as a parent is learning how to effectively communicate with your teen.
And as we are fully in the mindset of back to school season, starting a new school year can be both exciting and overwhelming for teens; therefore, learning how to effectively communicate with your teen can help both you and your child with the transition back to school. In this post, we are going to be looking at how you can encourage open conversations with your teen.

Photo by Mauro Lima on Unsplash

Initiating conversations with a teenager can be tricky. Teens tend to make decisions and think using the emotional part of their brain (the amygdala) while adults typically use the rational/logical part of their brain (prefrontal cortex). Therefore, when an adult brain and a teenage brain come together to have a conversation, sometimes there can be friction or misunderstandings. As a parent, here are some ways you can use this knowledge to have productive conversations with your teen.

Active Listening
I think we’ve all been guilty of listening with the focus only to speak. Our brains go into: “What should I say to this?” or “How am I going to respond?” which has good intentions but sometimes can lead to ineffective communication.
Active listening is listening to understand the other person’s emotions, thoughts, and perspectives. It involves listening without interrupting, judgments, or being focused only on solutions. Below are some ways you can engage in active listening with your teen.

Put away distractions and minimize interruptions
Providing a space where you can focus on the conversation helps a teen feel heard and can build a connection between parent and child. Put away phones, turn off the television, and if you have other distractions (for example another child) make sure to go to a space where the distractions are minimal (for example, another room or in the car). 

Use your body language to show that you are engaged and present in the conversation
Using your body language to show that you are engaged in the conversation can help your teen feel safe and heard. It can help validate their emotions and develop trust between you and your child. For example: maintain eye contact, nod your head, turn your body towards them. Sometimes, words are not even needed; simply your presence can speak volumes. 

Ask open-ended questions
Open-ended questions are questions that help minimize the one-worded answers. These are questions that begin with what, how, or why. Since teens tend to think more with their emotional mind, they might have difficulty articulating what they want to express or approaching a topic. Therefore, asking open-ended questions can open that safe space for them to express, inviting them to talk about something they did not know how to talk about. For example: “How can I help you with your nervousness about school?” or “What’s on your mind about the transition back to school? I’m here if you’d like to talk.”

Paraphrasing or summarizing
If you feel the urge to problem-solve immediately, use paraphrasing or summarizing to slow your roll and make sure you are truly understanding what your teen is saying. Paraphrasing or summarizing does not mean “parroting” what your teen says. It means evaluating what they say, and reflecting it back to them in your own words to ensure you understand what they are saying. For example: "If I’m understanding correctly, you're concerned about making new friends and adjusting to the new workload?" or "It sounds like you're excited about seeing your friends again but also feeling overwhelmed and you’re not sure why. Did I get that right?"

Exploring emotions and then going from there
Since teens think and make decisions that are emotion-based, meeting them there can help initiate conversations and create effective communication. Try your best to understand or hear what they are feeling (you can also evaluate their body language to figure this out). For example: “I can sense that you are feeling a bit anxious about being back at school. Would you like to talk about what’s on your mind?” and then after you hear what they say, you can try paraphrasing it to make sure you understand. This also sets the stage for effective problem-solving, if needed. 

Validate their feelings without judgments 
Validating their feelings means letting your teen know that they are in a judge-free zone and can feel what they need to feel. Your teen has their own opinions and perspectives and validating their feelings means respecting what they express, even if you do not necessarily agree with it. This helps them feel valued and boosts their self-esteem as well as provide that space where they feel safe to express what’s on their mind. For example, you can say, “It’s ok to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Back to school time can be tough, and we are here to support you.”

Express empathy
Sharing your own school experiences or maybe just times where you felt nervous or overwhelmed by a transition, can be powerful. It shows that you understand what they're going through. Share stories of challenges you faced and how you overcame them. This can inspire resilience and empathy and when they see that you've faced similar situations, it builds a bridge of connection. For example: "I remember how challenging transitions could be. I remember [fill in your story here]. It's okay to feel unsure, and I'm here to support you every step of the way."

Offer encouragement and support throughout 
Sometimes, teens just need to express themselves and providing encouragement and support is enough. Also, if the situation needs that joint problem solving, supporting them through the process provides that safe space to develop a growth mindset. For example, letting your teen know, “I believe in your ability to handle whatever challenges come your way this school year. You've overcome difficulties before and know we can get through this together."
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In the complex journey of parenting teenagers, communication can be a bridge of connection. Active listening, as we've explored, is a cornerstone of this bridge. By putting away distractions, using engaged body language, asking open-ended questions, and validating their feelings, you're not just communicating – you're building trust, empathy, and understanding. So, as your teen embarks on their path through the new school year (and life!), remember that you are a major support. Share your stories, lend your ears, and offer your encouragement. You've got this, and together, you and your teen can navigate the challenges of adolescence with resilience, love, and a deeper connection.

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Please note that the information provided in this post is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.